So, I don't really have a cute way to lead into my post, so I'm just going to start typing...
I had my therapy last Friday and it went pretty good. I didn't have any "AH HA" moments while there, but we did talk about pie. 'Pie' = time, attention, and sense of value. We related my mom's time and attention to pie and how I didn't feel like I got enough of her pie, because I had to share it with 7 other siblings, plus a dad, church callings and such. Long story short, my depression has come from a combination of low self esteem and feeling like I didn't have enough "pie" (from my parents and siblings) growing up. Needless to say, I turned to others for the 'pie' I was seeking. (mainly from boys and making wrong choices)
So childhood life went on to middle school, then high school. That's when I became the football manager and also got a job. Both places filled my need for 'pie'. But then I graduated and moved, but all was well-I managed to find some 'pie' in Indiana too! Then I moved again. Without looking for it 'pie' found me (Matt) and we got married. AWESOME! I now had someone who was legally obligated to give me 'pie'! Alas, Matt did not have pie to share. Not that he didn't want to-he had all the ingredients, just not put together- he just liked to eat the fruit out of the can. Having 'pie' was never that important to him before we met, so he was unsure how to give me the 'pie' I was needing.
Then I got pregnant, which was good because babies LOVE 'pie' so we could eat our 'pie' together (each giving the other the time and attention they wanted) Then came along baby number 2. That baby DEMANDED all of my 'pie'. So much so that I didn't have ANY time to get more 'pie' for myself or for the others who needed some of my mom/wife 'pie'. That's when the depression really hit. I was out of 'pie', I didn't know where to get more and my life seemed pretty hopeless. Soon baby 2 eased up on her needing of 'pie' and I (through working and such) was able to get some 'pie' for myself. That's when baby 3 came along. Baby 3 was A LOT like baby 1-which was a good thing because neither of them required much 'pie' to be happy. The bad part was, because of my "having to give up so much pie to baby 2" experience, any time that baby 3 needed 'pie' I was VERY reluctant to give any away. (Which then made me feel like an awful mom-then added to my depression)
So, now skip to the last few weeks...A few weeks ago I sent out an email to my family and some friends 'asking for pie' (not in those words exactly and I didn't know that's what I was doing-but that's a post for another time) About 3 weeks after I sent out the email I had my most recent therapy session. That's when my therapist told me that now I am an adult-I can make my own pie. It didn't really "hit me" till I was thinking about it later. And it "hit me" even more when I was talking about it with my sisters and my mom.
I DON'T NEED OTHERS TO GIVE ME 'PIE'! I CAN MAKE MY OWN!!! (this is a new thought to me)
So, here is the sort of confusing part-so I hope you can follow my thought process and get my "break through" What I really wanted was TARTS from people, not PIE.
TARTS from other, PIE is my own doing-follow me so far?
So what does TARTS mean? T=time, A=attention, R=respect, T=truth/trust, S= sincerity.
And PIE, you ask? P=purpose, I=identity/individual, E=enough
I can not force others to give me their TARTS. If I do-I just might receive a poisoned (negative) tart, which would then give me food poisoning. And I don't want that. I can ask for others to give me suggestions on how to make my 'pie' (i.e. use less salt-or sarcasm. Or you can never have enough sugar-kindness) and I will have some of their TARTS if they would like to give it to me out of love. I don't have to accept poisoned tarts or even flavors that I don't care for-and that's OK. Yes, it will take me a while to figure out how to make my pie (I've started working on that-but it's a whole other post) And I will find things in my recipe that I want to add or take away (i.e. being passionate about something and stop being judgmental) but it's all trial and error-just like baking!
*For those who don't need an analogy to understand...I am the only one who can change MY life. I am the one who can change my low self-esteem, and STOP internalizing EVERYTHING. I can take control of the things I can change, and accept the things I can't. If I have a problem-I can fix it instead of waiting for others to fix it. If it's not my problem-I DON'T NEED TO BE THE ONE TO FIX IT! (yes, if the person asks for my help, I will willing give it with love and concern)
It may seem little and meaningless to others-but this is a BIG DEAL for me and I am feeling awesome because of it!!!! Bring on life!
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